Lawyers are not exactly the most popular people – now, or in the past. As one of Charles Dickens’ characters in Oliver Twist expounded in 1638, “The law is an ass.” (Actually, he was cribbing from a 1634 English writer named Chapman.) One of the characters in Shakespeare’s King Henry VI said, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Today, many U.S. industries hate lawyers, since they would like to avoid product liability suits. Bob Dole apparently agrees with this concept, since huge numbers of lawyers donate funds to the Bill Cinton campaign. The Curmudgeon too (while a member of the New York Bar himself) has had it up to here with lawyers from time to time, having paid out well over a million dollars in legal fees over many years.

But lawyers are human too. Some are brilliant; some stupid. And all of them make silly errors, including asking stupid questions in court. Going over national official court records, one finds- believe it or not- the following questions by lawyers:

(1) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

(2) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8th.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

(3) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined
the body?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30
P.M.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.

(4) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

(5) Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

(6) Q: Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that, when a person dies in his
sleep, in most cases he just passes away quietly and
doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

(7) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

(8) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize that
picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

(9) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

(10) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

(11) Q: So you were gone until you returned?

(12) Q: A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
releasing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike». the next
question”

(13) Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

(14) Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

(15) Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

(16) Q: Were you present in Court this morning when you were
sworn in?

(17) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you
can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?

(18) Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’ t know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?

(19) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

(20) Q: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

# # # # # # # # # #