Some of the smart-assed comments below go back many years. Others are more recent. All are replays of quotations from famous people, or at least people in the public eye. All are sharp, irreverent, and very clever. Readers are warned, however, that many are cruel. Parental guidance should be exercised when showing these to children 
Woody Allen: The nice thing about masturbation is that it is sex with someone you love. 
Anonymous (prayer): Oh thou most holy Mother (MARY), who first conceived without sinning, please teach us how to sin without conceiving. 
Margot Asquith (when Jean Harlow mistakenly pronounced the “t” in Margot): The “t” is silent, as in Harlow. 
Sir Thomas Beecham (to a woman cellist) : Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands — and all you can do is scratch it. 
Brendan Behan: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 
Ambrose Bierce: An Egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. 
Jack Benny: A Scout Troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like shmucks following a big shmuck dressed like a kid. 
Eddy Cantor: He hasn’t an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him. 
Claudette Colbert: Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the mother. 
David Lloyd George: When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit. 
Bob Hope: When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and wiped his name off the piano. 
John F. Kennedy: Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 
Alan King: You do live longer eating bran, but you spend the last 15 years in the toilet. 
Leonard L. Levinson: He’s a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. 
Frank Mankiewicz: John Connally’s conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties. 
Groucho Marx: Remember, men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is more than she ever did. 
Eugene McCarthy: Nixon is the kind of guy who, if you were drowning 20 feet from shore, would throw you a 16 foot rope. 
P.J. O’Rourke: Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it. 
James Reston (on Ronald Regan): An authentic phony. 
Rita Rudner: I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Mort Sahl: Jesse Jackson is a man of the cloth. Cashmere. 
George Bernard Shaw: Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. 
James Thurber: (This play) had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. 
Harry S. Truman: I fired (General) MacArthur because he wouldn’t respect the authority of the President. I didn’t fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was. 
Gore Vidal: A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are. 
Oscar Wilde: Some cause happiness wherever they go; some whenever they go. 
Alexander Wiley: The Jews and Arabs should settle their dispute in the true spirit of Christian charity. 
Alexander Woollcott: Prostitution, like acting, is being ruined by amateurs. #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #