TAX-FREE HUDDLED MASSES

“Give me your tired, your poor,Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

 

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

 

Emma Lazarus

 

Alas, Emma’s heartfelt poem has been perverted by a rising number of rich Americans moving to tropic paradises to avoid the I.R.S. and live a tax-free life. I offer an updated version of the poem for overseas realtors to use in advertising in U.S.

 

Give me your retired, your mature,

Your affluent numbers yearning to be tax free,

The wealthy members of your teeming shore.

Send these shrewd buyers, aircraft tossed to me,

I offer beach sHes with benefits galore.

 

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SHOOT ALL THE LAWYERS

Lawyers are not exactly the most popular people – now, or in the past. As one of Charles Dickens’ characters in Oliver Twist expounded in 1638, “The law is an ass.” (Actually, he was cribbing from a 1634 English writer named Chapman.) One of the characters in Shakespeare’s King Henry VI said, “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Today, many U.S. industries hate lawyers, since they would like to avoid product liability suits. Bob Dole apparently agrees with this concept, since huge numbers of lawyers donate funds to the Bill Cinton campaign. The Curmudgeon too (while a member of the New York Bar himself) has had it up to here with lawyers from time to time, having paid out well over a million dollars in legal fees over many years.

But lawyers are human too. Some are brilliant; some stupid. And all of them make silly errors, including asking stupid questions in court. Going over national official court records, one finds- believe it or not- the following questions by lawyers:

(1) Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

(2) Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8th.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

(3) Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined
the body?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30
P.M.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy.

(4) Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

(5) Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

(6) Q: Now, Doctor, isn’t it true that, when a person dies in his
sleep, in most cases he just passes away quietly and
doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?

(7) Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

(8) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask if you recognize that
picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

(9) Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

(10) Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there girls?

(11) Q: So you were gone until you returned?

(12) Q: A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of
releasing a stupid question, interrupted himself
and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike». the next
question”

(13) Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

(14) Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

(15) Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

(16) Q: Were you present in Court this morning when you were
sworn in?

(17) Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, “I have to kill you because you
can identify me.”
Q: Did he kill you?

(18) Q: You don’t know what it was, and you didn’ t know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?

(19) Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

(20) Q: The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?

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SECTARIAN HUMOR

Note: Some of the best jokes have a philosophicalor sociological twist. This is one of my favorites.

During World War II,two men ofthe cloth — substantially different inethnic background and religion andcoming from widely separate parts ofthe country — decided to become MilitaryChaplains. They were promptly assignedto a three-month training school at M.I.T.During that brief time, they became fastfriends.

At the end of the course, each wasassigned to a different theater of war —one to the European and the other to theAsian front. After a send-off banquet ongraduation night, these two friends gottogether for a final cup of coffee — a lastsupper, so to speak.

“Joe,” said one of the clergymento the other, “isn’t it amazing? Here weare, two men of widely varied ethnicbackgrounds, from different regions ofthe Country, and practicing differentfaiths, and during only three months, wehave become such fast friends

“”Amazing,” agreed Sam. “Andnow, each of us has been assigned to adifferent theater of war thousands of milesapart, each of us going out there to serveGod— you in your way and I in HIS.”

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JOKE TIME

March 23,2008

There’s no joke like an old joke, so once again we need to reach into our old favorites bag. Hope you have forgotten this one.

A newlywed writes the following to an advice-to-the-lovelorn column:

Dear Abby,

I recently married, and my husband is a very wonderful man, but I have a serious problem. He is a sex maniac.

Every night, he wakes me u at least two or three times for sex. And even during the day he comes after me––when I’m making the bed, when I’m washing dishes, when I’m vacuuming . . .

I don’t know what to do. Please help me.
Sincerely yours, Exhausted

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting. # # # # # # # # # #

IRREVERENT HUMOR

11/30/08
Some of the smart-assed comments below go back many years. Others are more recent. All are replays of quotations from famous people, or at least people in the public eye. All are sharp, irreverent, and very clever. Readers are warned, however, that many are cruel. Parental guidance should be exercised when showing these to children 
Woody Allen: The nice thing about masturbation is that it is sex with someone you love. 
Anonymous (prayer): Oh thou most holy Mother (MARY), who first conceived without sinning, please teach us how to sin without conceiving. 
Margot Asquith (when Jean Harlow mistakenly pronounced the “t” in Margot): The “t” is silent, as in Harlow. 
Sir Thomas Beecham (to a woman cellist) : Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands — and all you can do is scratch it. 
Brendan Behan: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less. 
Ambrose Bierce: An Egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me. 
Jack Benny: A Scout Troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like shmucks following a big shmuck dressed like a kid. 
Eddy Cantor: He hasn’t an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him. 
Claudette Colbert: Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy – the mother. 
David Lloyd George: When they circumcised Herbert Samuel, they threw away the wrong bit. 
Bob Hope: When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and wiped his name off the piano. 
John F. Kennedy: Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 
Alan King: You do live longer eating bran, but you spend the last 15 years in the toilet. 
Leonard L. Levinson: He’s a fine friend. He stabs you in the front. 
Frank Mankiewicz: John Connally’s conversion to the GOP raised the intellectual level of both parties. 
Groucho Marx: Remember, men, we’re fighting for this woman’s honor, which is more than she ever did. 
Eugene McCarthy: Nixon is the kind of guy who, if you were drowning 20 feet from shore, would throw you a 16 foot rope. 
P.J. O’Rourke: Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it. 
James Reston (on Ronald Regan): An authentic phony. 
Rita Rudner: I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Mort Sahl: Jesse Jackson is a man of the cloth. Cashmere. 
George Bernard Shaw: Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it. 
James Thurber: (This play) had only one fault. It was kind of lousy. 
Harry S. Truman: I fired (General) MacArthur because he wouldn’t respect the authority of the President. I didn’t fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was. 
Gore Vidal: A narcissist is someone better-looking than you are. 
Oscar Wilde: Some cause happiness wherever they go; some whenever they go. 
Alexander Wiley: The Jews and Arabs should settle their dispute in the true spirit of Christian charity. 
Alexander Woollcott: Prostitution, like acting, is being ruined by amateurs. #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  # 

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